TEEN SURVEY
Parents, police among the last to know

 

DEBEE TLUMACKI/The Patriot Ledger

By Dina Gerdeman
The Patriot Ledger

It was an unwanted kiss and not at all innocent.

An 18-year-old girl drank too much at a party, passed out and woke up to find a stranger kissing her on the lips.

The girl knows the boy shouldn’t have kissed her. But she didn’t report him or tell her parents, fearing they would make a big deal over it.

Yet the kiss scared and confused her. Even though she was unconscious, she still felt partly responsible.

“Maybe I didn’t say no. I didn’t stop it,’’ she said. “It was my fault that I got so intoxicated that I don’t remember what I was saying or not saying.”

Teenage girls aren’t telling their parents or police when they are sexually assaulted or raped, often because they feel less like victims than accessories to the crime. And they are worried that others will blame them as much as they blame themselves because of the clothes they wore, the beer they drank or the boys they hung around with.

A Patriot Ledger survey of 527 students conducted for this series found that very few high school girls - only 17 percent - would tell a parent if they were raped. Most girls, nearly 70 percent, would tell a friend instead.

Girls are even less likely to notify the authorities - only 3 percent said they would call police, 2 percent would tell a counselor and 1 percent would call a rape center.

Many of the students surveyed - 18 percent of boys and 19 percent of girls - said they knew people who had been raped and did not report it to police.

Victoria, 18, one of 10 teenagers who participated in a Patriot Ledger focus group discussion, said a lot of rape victims keep the incidents quiet because they’re embarrassed and confused. The names of the focus group members have been changed to protect their privacy.

Victoria said if she was raped, she would tell her parents. But other girls said they wouldn’t feel comfortable.

“I know my parents would listen, but I know a friend wouldn’t necessarily jump to conclusions,’’ Jocelyn, 18, said. “There’s so many different emotions, being afraid, ashamed, guilty. (With a friend) you can take it one step at a time. With your parents, it’s like we’re automatically calling police.”

Sue, 17, said her friend was raped by an ex-boyfriend who came to her home, held her down and had sex with her, then got up and left. But the friend didn’t want to report the rape because “she was afraid of there being a huge deal about it legally.”

The girl was also afraid her claims wouldn’t be taken seriously when people found out she had slept with the boy before they broke up. Besides, the girl was confused herself.

“Initially she didn’t use the word rape,’’ said Sue, who encouraged her friend to report the crime. “That’s what makes it such a gray area. It’s someone you know and you’re friends with and you had sex with before.’’

Sometimes a victim's fears come true: people choose the side of their attacker, and blame them.

After high school boys in Braintree and Canton were accused of rape, some classmates circulated petitions to try to keep them in school and questioned whether the girls were just trying to get them in trouble.

Some teens in the focus group were upset that students rallied around the boys. “My benefit of the doubt always goes to the girl,” Jocelyn said. “If she says she was raped, I don’t care about her past. If you say no, it’s no.’’

But even teens who firmly believe that no should always mean no also admit that they may wonder whether a girl who reports a rape is lying.

“If you sleep with someone and four days later you break up and all of a sudden she’s feeling guilty, she can say it’s rape,’’ Joe, 16, said.

A girl’s reputation appears to be key in whether she gains support from other teens after reporting a rape.

“A girl (in my school) who was very easy went around and pressed charges against a kid for raping her,’’ Victoria said. “Everyone supported the boy because of her status.”

Charges of statutory rape can also seem confusing to teens, since a girl may agree to sex but still be too young to legally consent. The teens in the focus group didn’t have a problem with setting the age limit at 16.

Yet after hearing that the boys in the Braintree and Canton cases were charged with statutory rape in addition to other charges, Ryan wonders whether a boy could get in trouble for having sex with a girl he didn’t know was underage.

“This is the stuff that scares me,’’ he said. “If two people are at a party, if they’re drunk, he could be charged with rape. I’m scared to death to go near a girl. If your name is ever associated with rape, you’re done.”

The teens say it’s natural to have some doubt about whether to believe the attacker or victim. After all, there are usually no witnesses to a rape.

“It’s between the guy and the girl before they do it,’’ Victoria said. “No one knows.”

Dina Gerdeman may be reached at dgerdeman@ledger.com.

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