SETTING LIMITS
Parents struggle to keep teen safe

DEBEE TLUMACKI/The Patriot Ledger Cathy Torrey and her daughters, Anna, 14, left, and Mary, 12, talk about clothes that are suitable for school. Cathy says she is sometimes amazed by what she sees girls wearing to school.

By Sue Scheible
The Patriot Ledger

Cathy Torrey realized her two daughters were growing up in a different sexual culture than she did when they were as young as 5 or 6 and she took them to buy shoes.

“They were all like miniature adult shoes, with slip-in sandals or clunky heels,” said Torrey, whose daughters are Anna, 14, and Mary, 12.

Then came the TV shows “which I hated, that presented children with very adult feelings. I’d tell them ‘That’s not the way kids are.’”

As co-chair of the Weymouth town-wide parent council, Torrey has spoken with many parents about their concerns on how to keep their kids safe from drugs, alcohol and sexual situations.

It often comes down to mundane daily decisions. One of the toughest calls she’s faced recently, she said, was “when my older daughter, who is 141/2, wanted to go to the mall with her friends ,and I finally let her go.” They take a cell phone. A parent drives them, and she knows both the friends and their mothers. Their time is limited.

Ruling out skimpy bikinis or belly shirts is also an issue.

Parents today are aware that they should talk to their kids about sex, drugs and alcohol abuse and start at an early age, but Torrey said they often have difficulty doing it, or knowing just what to say and when to say it.

“I think a lot hope the schools will do it,” she said.

“It isn’t just sexual intercourse that you have to talk to your kids about - it is also all the diseases they might get, and that is scary,” Torrey said.

The average teenager sees 14,000 sexual references a year, and only 165 of them mention birth control, abstinence or sexually transmitted diseases, according to “The Sex Lives of Teenagers,’’ by Lynn Ponton M.D.

“It can be really hard for kids to go to their parents around this issue, and it’s important for parents to understand why,” said Barbara Fuyatt, director of the South Shore Women’s Center.

The Patriot Ledger will host a parents’ roundtable discussion about teen sex in the coming weeks. How do parents convey their values to teens? When should they begin talking about it? What should schools be teaching, and when should they leave sex education to parents? Some of the discussion will be used in an upcoming story. If you are interested in participating, email us at ratedrisky@ledger.com. Please include your name and phone number so we can contact you with a date and time.

Tips for talking to teens

• Find a quiet, private place to talk. Be honest about feeling uncomfortable with the conversation if you are.
• Ask questions sparingly - avoid an interrogation.
• Do not allow interruptions. Show your teen the conversation takes priority.
• Ask your teen how they define sex and what words they use.
• Avoid preaching. Your teen will develop their own beliefs and values through your modeling, integrity and instruction over time.
• Make your values clear. Tell your teen how you feel about sex and relationships.
• Be clear about your expectations and encourage them to come to you if they ever struggle to meet those expectations.
• Tell your teen that they can use you as an excuse not to engage in certain activities.
• Apologize if, in the past, you have not been clear about your expectations, have not exhibited integrity yourself, or have been quiet about the issue.
• Be prepared to answer some tough questions.
• Be sincere in wanting to listen to learn.

Source: The National Coalition for the Protection of Children & Families, based on interviews with more than 600 teens.

RESOURCES

The National Coalition for the Protection of Children and Families can be contacted by mail at 800 Compton Road, Suite 9224, Cincinnati, OH 45231; by phone at 513-521-6227 or by visiting www.nationalcoalition.org. The E-mail address is contact@nationalcoalition.org.

The video and parent guide, “Sex & Young America: The Real Deal,” costs $14.95 plus shipping and handling and can be ordered online at www.sexandyoungamerica.com or by phone at 513-521-6227.

The coalition also sponsors a Victim Assistance HelpLine. All services are confidential and provided by trained master’s level mental health therapists. The HelpLine is available from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. weekdays.

The coalition has a national referral network of therapists and support groups. Call 1-800-583-2964 or E-mail sue@nationalcoalition.org.

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