AMELIA KUNHARDT/The Patriot Ledger

Unlike with her parents, Sandra Mondykowski Temple is carrying on an open dialogue about sex with her son, Alex, 13.

Talking ABOUT SEX

Some parents ending the cycle of silence

By Dina Gerdeman
The Patriot Ledger

This is the closest Sandra Mondykowski Temple ever came to a “sex talk” with her parents: Her mother came into her bedroom, pulled down the shades, handed the 13-year-old a sanitary napkin and a booklet about menstruation, then left without saying a word.

“The impression I got was that sex was shameful,'' Temple, now 53, said. “I was puzzled.”

Temple, a special needs teacher who lives in Abington, is taking a much different approach with her own children, who are 15 and 13.

She watches television with her kids and listens to CDs before they buy them, looking for media messages that might open doors to frank conversations about sex and violence.

She talks even when she knows they don't want to listen.

“I've stood at the bedroom door and yelled out information,'' Temple said. “My daughter is listening to rap, and I'm saying, 'You have to hear this one point I want to make.'''

Temple is trying to break the cycle of silence about sex that has existed between teens and parents since Romeo crawled through Juliet's bedroom window.

In a Patriot Ledger survey of 527 high school students conducted this spring, most teens said they don't talk to their parents about sex.

• Fifty-five percent of boys and 58 percent of girls said they didn't feel comfortable discussing sex with their parents.
• More than 40 percent said friends were the biggest influence on their sexual behavior; only 15 percent said their parents' values were their greatest influence.
• Only 17 percent of girls would tell a parent if they were raped. Most girls, 70 percent, would tell a friend instead.

The survey was published in May as part of a three-part Patriot Ledger series on teen sex and dating violence.

Temple was one of six parents who participated in two roundtable discussions with The Patriot Ledger in the wake of the series.

The parents said they know teens don't like talking to their mothers or fathers about sex. Often, parents don't feel comfortable bringing it up either.

“We don't like to think of them as sexual beings,'' said parent Cathy Torrey, 46, of Weymouth.

Most parents said their own mothers and fathers didn't provide any road maps for openly discussing sex.

“My mother is the last person you wanted to talk to about it,'' said Maureen Devine, a lawyer from Hingham.

But these parents are making an effort to communicate.

Discussing sex with teens is more important today because many are becoming sexually active at a younger age and have more partners than teens a generation ago, the parents said.

The parents know that intimacy brings a variety of risks, including diseases and pregnancy -- not to mention rape. Temple said she had a close call of her own in which a boy tried to corner and rape her.

Starting discussions early in a child's life is important, parents said. When they were in pre-school, they provided simple messages: Anything the bathing suit covers belongs to you and shouldn't be touched.

“It started when my kids were playing doctor with the neighborhood kids when they were 3, 4 and 5,'' Temple said. “We talked about where you should touch and where not to touch.''

As they got older, the conversations grew more sophisticated and detailed. Torrey said she has spent time talking to her two daughters not only about the mechanics of sex, but the emotional involvement that often comes with it.

“We talk about how you can get hurt,'' she said.

Parents who try to initiate conversations about sex often face one big obstacle: Their teenagers clam up.

“They say, 'It's weird to talk to your mother,''' Temple said. “They call me Dinosaur Mom.”

Joyce Hagan, a physical therapist from Weymouth, said she just keeps talking even when her two sons are clearly uncomfortable with the topic.

“They're rolling their eyes and covering their ears. I just soldier on,'' Hagan, 50, said. “I'd rather err on the side of caution and have them be upset with me than say, 'I'd rather be liked, so I'm not bringing this up.'''

Devine has avoided the inevitable brush-off from her two sons by buying books and telling them she was available to talk. She doesn't know if they ever read the books -- they certainly never came to her to talk about them -- but she feels good about the fact that she made the information available.

“It pushes them away when you keep talking about it,'' she said. “I felt I had to choose my battles and choose adult-themed discussions. They're not going to tolerate endless roundtables on these things.''

Parents said a car ride offers the perfect opportunity for discussions because the kids can't run.

If talking doesn't work, and kids do get into trouble, parents can only hope their teens would come to them, they said.

Temple has tried to keep the lines of communication open in general by establishing a rule that she would never punish her kids for telling the truth.

“When my son was 3, he'd run in crying saying, 'Lamp!' I didn't give him a time-out for breaking the lamp. I said 'Thank you for telling me. Let's clean it up,''' she said. “I wanted my children to continue to feel they could tell me if they got in big trouble.”

Temple also has a no-questions-asked phone policy. “If they're at a friend's house, and they call and ask me to come get them, I won't ask questions,'' she said. “Over the breakfast cereal it usually comes out.''

Some of the parents said they expected their teenagers to remain abstinent and have made that clear.

“We tell them very bluntly: We don't want you to smoke, we don't want you to drink, we don't want you to have sex,'' Torrey said. “I don't think there's anything wrong with having the expectation that they wait until they're older and ready. As old-fashioned and corny as it sounds, I'd like for them to wait until they're ready to be married.''

Torrey knows that by telling her children she doesn't approve of sex at a young age, they might be less likely to talk to her if they are having sex.

“Maybe they won't tell me. I'm willing to take the risk,'' she said. “They have to know where I stand.''

Keeping their kids from having sex too young is a challenge. The parents are competing with peer pressure, movies and television shows that glorify teen sexual relationships -- as well as other parents with conflicting views.

Devine said she has noticed other parents nudging kids to “date” long before the teen years.

“There were enough parents who encouraged boy-girl relationships at the tender age of 10, 11 and 12,'' she said. “Their idea of responsible parenting was to pick them up and drop them off. It wasn't just OK, it was cute.''

Most of the parents involved in the roundtable discussions said they set clear rules for their kids.

Torrey won't allow her girls to date until they're 16, and they can't wear makeup until high school. She also outlaws clothing she considers racy.

Some parents call to make sure an adult is home when their kids visit friends or go to parties, and many are careful about restricting the music their kids listen to and the movies and television shows they watch.

Temple said she watches a teen show with her kids twice, and if she doesn't approve, she will tell them they can't watch it and explain why.

Torrey said she explains to her two daughters why she doesn't want them to listen to certain songs.

“It's not the bad language, it's the attitude toward women,'' she said. “We try to teach our girls that they're people, not sex objects.”

The teens are often unhappy about the restrictions. They want to go to the unsupervised beach party or watch the R-rated movie or listen to violent rap music, but the parents feel it's important not to budge.

“They won't talk to you for a couple days, and then they come back,'' Temple said. “I'm not their friend. I'm their mother. I know there are going to be times when they're really angry with me. It's hard. It hurts, but it's important. It seems like part of the job.”

Dina Gerdeman may be reached at dgerdeman@ledger.com.