Just what do teens call sex?

By KAREN ESCHBACHER
The Patriot Ledger

One local teenager called it “the kissing of the 21st century.” Another said many of her friends think it’s “not that big of a deal.”

They’re talking about oral sex.

Recent incidents in which teenagers allegedly engaged in oral sex on a Silver Lake school bus and in a Stoughton High School bathroom have catapulted the topic back into mainstream conversations in a way that hasn’t been seen since Bill Clinton listed the White House as his address and Monica Lewinsky was the nation’s most famous intern.

Police and school officials were quick to label the incidents aberrations. The truth, teenagers and experts say, is more complex.

Teens say oral sex is increasingly common, sometimes among children as young as 12 or 13 and often as part of casual relationships. Surveys and interviews show few consider the behavior anywhere near as serious as intercourse, and an alarming number do not know the practice puts them at risk for a host of sexually transmitted diseases.

“It is really not that big of a deal,” said Kelly, a high school senior and one of nine student participants in an ongoing Patriot Ledger roundtable that addresses sex and other issues facing teenagers. “If you ask people if they are a virgin, if they only had oral sex and not regular, they would say, ‘Yes, I’m a virgin.’”

“If you ask people if they are a virgin, if they only had oral sex and not regular, they would say, ‘Yes, I’m a virgin.” -- Kelly, a high school senior

That sentiment is reflected in national surveys, the results of which paint a picture any parent would deem disturbing.

—One-third of teens have had oral sex by age 15, and nearly two-thirds by their 16th birthday, according to a survey of 500 16- to 19-year-olds conducted last summer by Zogby International, a polling and market research company, for LifeStyles Condoms.

—Twenty-three percent of teens consider oral sex to be a routine part of casual relationships such as “hook ups,” according to a survey of 505 15- to 17-year-olds released by seventeen magazine and The Henry J. Kaiser Family Foundation in October. Twenty-six percent said it is a part of a relationship with a boyfriend or girlfriend most of the time.

—Although it can spread chlamydia, gonorrhea, herpes and HIV, a 2000 survey by the same organizations found that more than one of five teens considers oral sex to be “safe sex.”

Those trends are evident on the South Shore, Rita Wood, program director for Hull Teen and Women’s Health, said.

The agency provides confidential medical exams and contraceptive supplies to teens from across the South Shore. All new clients are asked whether they practice oral sex. Up to 70 percent say yes, Wood said, and virtually none use protection.

It is impossible to know whether oral sex really is more common now than a generation ago, because research on the topic is scarce. Some experts have suggested that the AIDS scare of the 1990s may have propelled teenagers to turn toward a sexual activity they considered safe - even if that belief was flawed.

“It’s become the kissing of the 21st century,” said Paul, an 18-year-old senior who participated in the Ledger roundtable. “Back in the ’50s or ’60s kissing was a problem and now this is a problem.”

Said Kelly, 17: “There are people that I know who think it’s just another thing. It’s just not a big deal. One night it will just happen and it’s not a big wow. It’s just what we did Friday night.”

The names of the students taking part in the roundtable discussions have been changed to protect their privacy.

The brazen choice of public locations in the Silver Lake and Stoughton cases certainly shocked and disgusted some teens. Still, Paul said he would not be surprised if similar activities secretly took place in supply closets or in other locations on school grounds. Rumors have circulated in the past, he said.

Experts discussing oral sex say the activity prevalent among teens is a girl performing oral sex on a boy, not the other way around. They say, however, that conclusion is based on anecdotes rather than data.

In many cases, young girls feel as though they are required to perform oral sex even though they don’t enjoy it, said Deborah Tolman, a senior research scientist for the Gender and Sexuality Project at the Wellesley Centers for Women and author of “Dilemmas of Desire: Teenage Girls Talk About Sexuality.” Part of addressing the problem requires teaching girls that sexuality is not just about pleasing men, she said.

“Whose idea do you think it is to do it on a school bus? Is that a girl’s idea? Doubt it,” Tolman said. “And if it was a boy’s idea why would they do that? It’s not a hard answer. They want others to know that they have gotten this from girls. It’s a sign of masculinity.”

Everyone interviewed agreed education and conversation are needed if adults want to begin changing teenage attitudes about oral sex and sex in general. That means initiating what can be very hard and uncomfortable discussions.

“We live in different times,” said Stephen Wallace, national chairman of Students Against Destructive Decisions. “It’s time for all of us to wake up and smell the coffee and understand the types of decisions that kids are facing every day. Clearly they need adult guidance to make good choices.”

Karen Eschbacher may be reached at keschbacher@ledger.com.

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